this is my stage, you are my audience!

It's been a while . . . .
My last entry was written at what I thought was the worst point in my life, little did I know that I was a the very begining of a season that I am surprized to have survived. I spoke of hating my life, drinking away my problems, and potentially ruining the lives of the people that meant the most to me.

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So I havn't done this is a while.
one year has come and gone since my mom died.
and I'm more fucked up now than I was then.
I hate my job.
I hate my life.
i hate waking up in the morning.
I can honestly say that if it wasn't for Ash,Jimmy and Jimmy's mom
that I would willingly throw my life away to drugs and alcohol.
I know that noone wants to hear that come from my mouth
because I know how much potential I have, and I know that beauty, and life flow from my finger tips
but nothing has ever been so painful. and I've never cared less.

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Oh life . . .
the REAL life, when will you come for me?
When will you . . .when will you???
When do I become a real "adult"
Does that come with a car
credit card
college
my own place
Jeeez

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They say that inorder to accomplish something you must first picture it in your mind.
you must see it to get it.

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My Space was recently disabled. It well may be its because there are ninety five million members and they all have to be on at the same time!! It also may be that its because there is a fire in Santa Monica, I dont know how that relevant but the lady on the news said it!

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Four people on the list:

Papa duvall
Ashley's Grandpa
My mom
and the most recent,
Mike Rowles

These are the four people that I know
 that have died of cancer this year.

Mikes funeral was today.
As Ashley sang I began to cry,
maybe for the loss of a beautiful man
who knew the meaning of hard work
and integrity

But I think it was more because
at this point I feel like there is nothing that can stop
cancer
 I feel like, wow, kinda.
Like, it's a freight train that just keeps going,
full force,
straight ahead.

I totally beleive that cancer can be healed,
don't misunderstand that,
but I havent seen it
yet.

When?
Will I?
Who?
Not papa duvall,
not George,
not my mom,
not mike . . . .

Who will it be?

today is the one month aniversarry of my moms death
one month ago Mr.Arana was getting a phone call.
and then Kit

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There are no easy days, even though some people may say that there is, there's not.

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No late night info mercials, no music, no online conversation, just me, alone in my own brain.

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